Haulin' Aspen Marathon ... Here I come!

Wait, before I explain why I'm running a marathon, let me point out that I'm not crazy. (This whole shpeal will eventually connect to my reason for running, I promise)

I've recently learned the definition of personal boundaries - what they are, how to set them, and how to respect the boundaries of others. I'm still learning, and timidly practicing, how to set my own boundaries, but as I become more skilled in telling others what works for me and what doesn't, I've realized that the one person I can't rely on to respect those limits and personal needs is myself. Recently I've been trying to play with the aspects of integrity, doing what I say I'll do, and setting goals with an intent on achieving them. For some reason, I've always considered myself off the hook in terms of my own demands. Who would hold me accountable? Me? So? Would I really punish myself for not following through with something? Not really - the only person who knows about not following through is me. 

But the thing is, I do punish myself. I never used to get the whole "shoulder angel" thing. Who actually hears debates around their ears about the "right" thing to do versus the "wrong" thing to do? Well, *poof* mine suddenly appeared out of nowhere and have been screaming at each other loud and clear for the last several months! Maybe those shoulder angels don't pop up until your mid-twenties, or maybe I'm just a late bloomer, but unfortunately, at this point, the bad angel usually wins. She's actually pretty bitchy! If she were a person other than myself, I wouldn't even be her friend! And rather than just try and win debates with my "good" angel, she has a constant stream of really mean things to say. You know when your parents tell you that you can do anything you set your mind to? Well, this shoulder angel would make you think the exact opposite. If I believed her, I might feel pretty shitty about myself. 

Oh wait, I usually do believe her. She's been ragging on my "good" angel for so long, that my poor little good angel hardly has a voice left. I can barely hear her. So I figured it was time to even the scales a bit. 

Some food for thought: I've noticed that my own personal strength does not come from finishing something first, or finishing something feeling invigorated, or even finishing it exactly the way I had wanted to. Especially in the last few months, my personal strength that carries me through comes from experiencing, and then pushing through, the pain that comes with hitting the wall in a challenging situation. This wall may be mental, or actually physical, but the only way to conquer that wall is to accept the fact that it will hurt to push through it, or climb over it, and then charge forward. 

So, to feel grounded in this crazy world, and to start building up my "good" shoulder angel who will hopefully whisper lovely sweet nothings in my ear, I had to set a goal, build a program around that goal, and stick to it. What better way to do that than pick a marathon! My thinking was that if I could push myself out the door, run the set number of miles despite the bantering of the bitchy angel to quit or slow down, I could build my own confidence in being able to ignore that pestering voice in every other aspect of my life. 

It tends to feel better, and is often more tempting, to take the easier path. I'm actually a person who has a hard time choosing the challenge that will bring me greater reward. I don't have a high pain threshold. But, we all know that it'll leave us lacking in the end. It's always easier now to skip a run, but imagine getting to the day of the marathon without having put in a single training day. Woops! That would be an excruciating wake up call to all the decisions we'd put in before that moment! 

And that's how I'm hoping to use this training - how will pushing through today's run make me more able to tackle a job interview, or to stick to my budget, or to confront an overbearing relative. 

I signed up for the Haulin' Aspen Trail Marathon in Bend, Oregon, set for August 8th. It will be my second marathon and will also by my second time tackling this particular course. The course is actually atrocious - 2500 meters of climb in the first 14 miles and then a slightly steeper 2500 of drop in the last 12 miles. (When I'm setting out to prove something to myself, I seem to find the hardest example to use in order to prove it - maybe I should remember that next time).

Two years ago, my finishing time for this course was 4:51, which was, for me, an extreme disappointment. I had been shooting for under 4 hours. This year, I don't necessarily have a goal in mind. A PR would be nice, but I just want to run it without feeling shooting firey pain with each step after 16 miles. My body tends to fall apart with endurance training, so I'm attempting to slow that process by throwing in regular massages, yoga 2 to 3 times per week, sufficient strength training, and following, and possibly exceeding, the mileage set out by Runners World's Beginners Marathon Training Program. 

And do I think someone will actually read this ranting and raving and running mumbo jumbo?
Not necessarily - I just like to feel some sort of connection. It's always nice to share the details and accomplishments of a run, even if only to a deaf audience.

Wish me luck!