For long runs, fuel yourself with pizza, not kisses!

10-miles, here I come:
Today was my second attempt to hammer out my first double-digit training run. I'm supposed to log 10 miles this weekend as my long run. My first attempt at 10 miles was yesterday, but I wasn't completely committed to the outcome, and felt done after about 3 miles, so I gave myself an extra day to mentally prepare and tackle the long run.

I even started narrating this blog entry in my head as I went through the motions of getting myself out the door. I was going to write all about my pre-run preparation routine that I'm starting to make a regular ritual before the longer weekend runs. I want to try and prepare for every possible weather and physical obstacle that may pop up when I'm on a run in order to better mentally tackle any other walls that pop up for me. Before I got out the door, I even started mentally narrating the key points of the warm-up and stretching session I'm trying to incorporate into my longer workouts. I actually preach the importance of a warm-up and some form of stretching to clients, but as in most other things in life, I also tend to consider myself the exception to the rule and never do it for myself. Last time I visited my massage therapist, though, she gave me a little finger wagging when I nearly jumped off the table from an attempt to dig into my overly tight hips. (It's always easier to take advice in my own field of expertise from other people rather than myself :) ). I was even excited to plot my run on mapmyrun.com and add a link to my blog to visually show my route and my accomplishment.

Or not?
But I most certainly failed at my attempt to finish the full 10 miles. Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that I failed as a person, nor am I calling myself a failure. I'm not ending my run today hanging my head and kicking myself for my shortcomings. I did, however, roll my eyes a bit and allow myself a significant back-of-the-head-smack to jog my briefly skewed logic and priorities. Finally, I let myself take on the mantra that I don't fail at marathon training, or at anything else I'm attempting to tackle, unless I don't get back up again. So all I really need to take away from today is a slightly rearranged set of priorities to get my head back in the game and then just let it go. 

But before I had failed at finishing the pre-planned 10 miles, after spending what felt like an eternity getting ready to go (I had to apply petroleum product to my feet and most of my body to prevent chafing, apply sunscreen, secure my hair so I wouldn't be distracted by whispies, load my water bottle's fanny pack with my phone, key, and personal info in case of emergency, make sure my ipod was charged), I started my warm-up and off I went! I didn't necessarily feel "on" today, or ready for a long run, but I had the same issue two weeks ago when I tackled 9 miles and ended up logging a very uplifting and successful 9-miler. I figured I would just take the run ten minutes at a time to break up the mental hump of taking on 105 total minutes of running.

After 17 minutes, I let myself take a small walking break. Three minutes later, I was running again. Definitely a slower start, but I didn't want to push my pace until the very end, if I even had any energy left in my tank. At 22 minutes, I slowed down again, taking another short break before starting back up again. After 25 minutes, I was at the Spring Creek Park and decided to take a full-fledged bathroom and water break. I was completely aware that today's heat could throw a bit more challenge into today's run, but wasn't really expecting it to stop me up three times within the first 25 minutes. I figured I just needed to cruise through to the hour mark and take it from there. I was planning on climbing up the 'A' again today, and I could see it in front of me throughout the entire run thus far. If I could just focus on getting to the top, I would have no problem cruising back down.

Change of plans:
After 45 minutes of feeling like I could only mentally push through five minutes at a time without taking a 3-5 minute walking break, I started to feel like the "off" feeling might not subside as easily I thought it would. Feeling like I'm not completely physically ready for a run isn't an uncommon sensation for me, but it generally dies down after ten minutes, maybe fifteen if I'm really in a funk. But after 35 minutes, I felt like I was completely running on empty and couldn't shake it.

There is definitely a difference between overall tiredness or general muscle fatigue, and the kind of exhaustion that starts in your chest and radiates outward. I kept trying to practice my yoga breathing to regulate my breathing to match my stride, but couldn't seem to take a deep enough breath.

When I started to get the chills, a cold sweat, and a bit of dizziness every time I started back up running or stopped to walk, I began to leaf through my mental library of hours upon hours of logged physiology lectures and coaching seminars. Remembering that cold clammy skin and chills was a sign of heat exhaustion, which can be more deleterious than heat stroke, I decided that getting home in once piece, preferably in an upright position, was more important than finishing the full 10. Dammit!

So rather than get down on myself, I started to go over my training over the last couple of weeks to find the factor that might cause me to feel like I'm running on empty and one that might allow me to be much more susceptible to heat exhaustion. And in doing so, I realized that I still didn't feel like I could take a full breath. Hmm, how could this be? And then a little red light went on ... ding ding ding! I got it! I'm hungry! And I can't take a full breath because my stomach is cramping so much from being so empty. How have I not noticed this until now??

A quick rewind to a little factor in my training: I've been spending the last couple of weeks acting like a twitterpated, love-sick teenager.
At first it seemed like the extra serotonin boost I was getting from being in the early stages of a fun relationship would carry over to help motivate my training. Actually, it did in a way. A couple of my shorter runs have been more bursts of sprints with short walking breaks, than full-on runs. This seemed to benefit my ability to take on 5 miles at a reasonable pace, especially when I could pace myself on the treadmill, so I let myself leave my head in the clouds, daydreaming and drawing hearts. I figured everything else would fall into place.

When I thought of this not-so-tiny detail, this is when I gave myself the back-of-the-head-smack :). So, Love conquers all: true or false? ... Until my walk back home in the middle of my ten-mile-attempt, I would have sighed, smiled, and responded "True!"  "MEH!" (That's the sound of the annoying game show buzzer sound). False!! At least it's false if you ignore everything else! When I'm spending time with Mr. Wonderful, I barely remember to eat and sleep, let alone fuel my body for the training I committed to or rest up for intense physical activity. After a weekend together last weekend, I got home and found that my "skinny jeans" were too loose. This didn't seem like such a horrible thing, but I let myself overcompensate with LOTS of pizza and red beans and rice. I figured I'd earned it with my training.

Another tiny smack to the head ... I've been taking on some serious rookie running mistakes! My first mistake: vanity. I'm a seriously vain runner. For example, I don't like to walk where people can see me (I'm a runner, not a walker or a jogger). I am also very vain about how I look when I'm running. I know that runners come in all different shapes and sizes, but sometimes I let myself revert back to my high school running days, where our racing daisy dukes showed far too much leg. A couple pounds dropped here or there tended to take my mind off how my shorts fit and helped me better focus on running the race. (Sheesh! No wonder high school girls have eating problems! ) At this point, dropping a couple pounds simply because I get distracted by a smile, or a laugh, or a touch of a boy didn't seem like that big of a deal. I was letting myself be vain.

Mistake #2: I let myself believe that I could get through physically demanding training with the energy that comes from being completely twitterpated (I can't think of a better word :)) and figured that I could always just mentally dig deep to get the actual fuel and physiological energy I needed when the time came. MEH! (annoying buzzer sound). I seldom give my body credit for everything it does for me, partially because of my vanity - I tend to get annoyed with the way my legs rarely take on definition. They have always carried me through, though, especially with a little extra meat to them, and by loading up on pizza and rice last week, I was able to power through some really great runs. It wasn't the excitement of Mr. Wonderful that powered me through - it was stocking up on food while I wasn't with him. Ha!

So now I'm pretty sure I've reorganized my priorities, and will definitely start paying more attention to fueling my body properly with the food I need to take on the long stuff.

That being said, I'm starving. Anyone up for a $5 Hot N' Ready Large pizza from Little Caesar's? Too bad ... Get your own :).

An extra energy boost

Writing tends to be an outlet I use for negative energy when I need to sort out or analyze whatever chaos is collecting in my brain. Writing brings comfort and clarity, as does running, making these the seemingly perfect therapeutic combination.

But currently, I don't have negative energy, nor do I necessarily need an overload of comfort and clarity from my training runs. I met someone. And he's wonderful. And simply spending time with him, or listening to his stories, or feeding off of each other's laughter all give me superfluous amounts of energy to push through a long run.

I know it's important to be able to dig deep within myself to push myself through my limits, but I'm also pretty sure it can't be a bad thing to let myself ride an emotional high to get me through some tougher physical challenges.

We'll see: stay updated to see how my future long runs and speed workouts benefit, or don't benefit, from having a separate source of energy completely unrelated to my running.

Tomorrow's run: five miles with 6 minutes total uphill time ...

Ending on a good note ...

Running the Numbers ~ Training Stats:

Training days to go: 83

Longest run to date: 9 miles

Mileage last week: 16.25 

Mileage this week thus far: 19.25

Total training mileage: 75

Workout Stats:

Location: Timberline and Drake to Horsetooth to Shields to Spring Creek Trail

Time of day: 9:15am

Time Running: 90 minutes

Planned Distance: 9 miles 

Actual Distance: 9 miles

Sticking to my program this week has been a bit of a roller coaster. Monday's run ("Legs of lead") was a sad excuse for what I had hoped to plug into my weekly training, but a run nonetheless. On Wednesday, I was stuck in my head and was struggling with getting out for the allotted 4 miles. With a quiet but necessary boost from my uncle, I gathered enough control and courage to push through the 4 miles on the treadmill, and even added another quarter mile to the total. On Friday, I actually felt an itching need to get in the repetitive motion of throwing one foot ahead of the other. As the onset of tendonitis in my right ankle threatened to throw a wrench in future training, I cut the run shorter than the originally planned 6 miles. I'm also finding that the stroller is a great tool for short runs, while long runs, where a steady and consistent stride is imperative, are not the best workouts to take the girls with. 

Finally, this morning, I was faced with 9 miles. Up to now, I've found a reason to skip out on the weekly long runs that have slowly led up to today's distance, so I knew I had to buckle down mentally for a jump from 6.5 miles up to 9 miles. This number is a tough one for me - almost double digits, but not yet there. Thus is "shouldn't" be hard until it hits 10 miles, but it is. 

I knew that the stroller would not do me good today - I would most definitely find a reason to procrastinate ... again. So I asked a friend to babysit at 9am this morning, creating a fool-proof way to schedule the run and stick to it. At 9:30, I stepped out that friend's front door and started slowly forward. 

Finding trouble mentally playing with a total running time of 90 minutes, I instead took each mile at a time. This wasn't too painful, considering I live in a town with a grid system, so I know where each mile starts and ends. As that started to push my mental focus, the only thing that kept me going was a nagging thought, "What would my girls think if I quit? What kind of example would I be setting?" 

When I hit the half way point, I needed a little break. As a little voice inside my head started to scream at me that this was just another form of quitting, my increasingly positive voice interrupted with the findings of a study that showed women who took walking breaks had higher cardiovascular fitness because they were able to pick back up running at slightly higher speeds after the short breaks. 

By the end of the run, I had taken three 5 minute walking breaks, but tacked those 15 minutes onto the end of the run. I finished the entire 90 minutes of running and am only slightly sore after pushing myself through the wall. 

I'm also thinking it's time to paint my toenails ... one is already purple and will most likely fall off within the upcoming weeks.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

When I signed up for this marathon, I assumed that pushing my Energizer-Bunny-athletic Self, whose sense of competition used to do everything it could to come out on top, would carry over to influence my not-so-confrontational-lets-all-get-along Self that is currently dealing with a reality that feels as though getting hit by a train would be a welcome walk in the park. (Whoa, I think that thought was all one sentence!)

I've pushed through physical pain countless times. I've hit the wall in races and kept moving. I had two babies naturally, and could surely push through it again. I assumed my Self that tackles physical pain would get me through any mental or emotional challenge that came my way. But it seems like the influencing is going the opposite way. Instead of the marathon training helping me to get through the emotional side of a divorce and learning how to be a single mom, the Self that takes on getting through the chaos of each day is killing my running.

But there aren't multiple Selves, there's just me. And it's up to just me to find that spark inside to keep going.

Actually, I was getting really frustrated with the feeling that I couldn't do anything about rebuilding the energy that seems to drain right out of me the very second I get out of bed in the morning. Until a friend of mine told me that she read this. And it inspired her. Wow, I didn't actually expect this to be read, but it was, and it meant something to someone. I suddenly don't feel so helpless to what's going on around me.

To see what might have helped push her out the door, I reread a few things I wrote, and actually re-inspired myself. I took my own advice to my not-so-deaf audience and I renewed my own intent to just keep getting back on the horse and moving forward.

As a last boost of motivation, I leafed through a 3-ring binder I have stacked in my closet and pulled out a picture I used to have taped by my computer in college. It's a picture of 26-year-old Kate Major, now an international super star, who placed third in a 2005 Ironman Triathlon. As a college senior, I aspired to be her, or at least aspired to attack an unthinkable challenge the way she seemed to have done, as a young twenty-something, and then come out on top. I just taped that picture up in my bathroom and hopefully can remind myself of the way I always dreamed of taking on life's inconceivable obstacles when I grew up. (The pic is Kate Major, not me :) )

Legs of Lead

Monday, May 10:

Running the Numbers ~ Training Stats:

Training days to go: 89

Longest run to date: 6.5 miles

Mileage last week: 16.25 

Mileage this week thus far: 2

Total training mileage: 57.75

Workout Stats:

Location: Spring Creek Trail, down to spillway

Time of day: 5:30pm

Time Running: 20 minutes

Planned Distance: Rest 

Actual Distance: about 2 miles, maybe less 

The Run:
Life kicked my booty today .. and did not make an exception for the jog/plod/survival shuffle I forced into the later part of the afternoon. When I woke up at 7 this morning, I was ready to tackle the day and the chaos I expected to hit me head on. By noon, my "Bring it on!" attitude was utterly shattered, and was eliminated from every piece of the rest of the day. I thought I had the bull by horns in my legal battle, but it turns out, my hands are tied and for right now, I'm completely defeated. The only thing I can do is wait ... and pay my lawyer.

Which got me thinking: Can I even afford to run this marathon? Will I be able to take ten days off for a much-needed Tahoe vacation and a stop-off in Bend to test the training I've been logging and planning?

Without much hope and too many question marks dancing around in my brain, I almost kept myself cooped up in my little corner apartment to continue sulking and fretting. But with two rambunctious little wiggle worms, my girls were dying to get outside, so I promised Aspen a run. When you promise something to a 3-year-old, sometimes it's easy to divert their attention and they'll most likely forget the treat that was guaranteed. Not my 3-year-old: she'll repeat it thirty-five hundred times so that nobody could forget, even if they wanted to! So I had to get out and go for a run.

Luckily, I'm well equipped with the coolest running stroller ever! It's a double-stroller, but only single-wide. The older kid sits out front while the smaller or younger passenger is tucked in behind and below the front seat. It also steers like a dream! I can easily push it with one finger at a time. Love it. It also means I never have a good excuse NOT to go if I have my girls.

So, after bundling everyone up, I slowly maneuvered us out the front door. I lumbered down the walk and toward the front of the neighboring apartments and made up an excuse to keep at a walk as we got closer to the geese and their broods of goslings. This was a nice pace .. why not just stick to this?

No, no. As soon as we waved goodbye to the "baby geesies,"  I leaned forward and off we trudged, sluggishly switching from pushing with the right arm, then the left. I hadn't mentally planned a run so I just started moving. I ended up following the Spring Creek Trail down to the spillway to see if we could spot more goslings (they're actually pretty cute when they're yellow and look like walking puff-balls! And then they grow up ... and poop ... a lot). Anyway, at the spillway, we were SOL in terms of baby geese spotting, so we turned around.

Just a note: When you run along a creek toward a spillway, you go downhill. Which means, when you turn around, the whole way back will be uphill ... slick move, genius. Although it already felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders today, it felt more like it had seeped through my pores and poisoned my body. My lungs felt filled with tar, and my muscles felt loaded with sludge. I was losing the uphill battle.

In the end, I gave up after 2 miles, maybe less. It was barely a shuffle. I convinced myself that, since I have 4 miles set for tomorrow's run, any kind of movement today would suffice.

Before we hit the apartments again, we stopped to watch our fox pups play along a nearby ridge that houses their den. The munchkins and I were suddenly all smiles watching them jump around and tumble down the hill. It's awesome what seeing something through the eyes of your child can do for your outlook. And then the world didn't feel so heavy anymore. Maybe tomorrow we should start the run passing our foxes.

Why run on the original "day of rest?"

Sunday, May 9th: Mother's Day:

I don't think I could have completed a half mile run today, let alone eight miles. I have been affected by a particular affliction today, sometimes known as "hair of the dog." Ok, yes, I'm hungover ... painfully so. I attended the Cinco de Mayo party at some friends' place in Erie last night. With everything that's going on lately, one might think that I could easily find reasons to frequent the nearby liquor store as a coping mechanism. One would have been correct a couple of months ago. But I actually haven't been contributing to the alcohol industry in the past month and a half or so. I don't like how I feel the next day, both physically and emotionally, and it keeps me awake. Not worth it.

But last night I used the party as a distraction and drank my face off - who would be able to help themselves anyway with a keg of belgian ale - mmmm. Needless to say, I was a very cheap drunk, who paid dearly for my over-consumption all through today. And on Mother's Day, too.

I wasn't worried that I didn't run today ... there was no voice in my head that even considered pushing me forward ... that little voice was sleeping off its hangover. I was just impressed with myself that I was able to load the kids, the camera, and the stroller out to Benson Sculpture Garden for a leisurely walk around the nationally renowned sculpture show.

Why would one schedule the long runs of training on Sunday, anyway: the day that was originally deemed the "day of rest?" (I guess running isn't really work per se, but it was just another logical reason to make myself feel better for nursing myself back to health rather than running for an hour and a half.)

"A" for Effort

Friday, May 7th:

Running the Numbers ~ Training Stats:

Training days to go: 92

Longest run: 6.5 miles

Mileage last week: 

Mileage this week thus far: 16.25

Total training mileage: 55.75

Workout Stats:

Location: Foothills Trail, North of the Dixon Reservoir

Time of day: 3:15pm

Time Running: 68 minutes

Planned Distance: 6 miles 

Actual Distance: about 6.5 miles 

The Run:

With the weight of the world on my shoulders after the beginnings of a painfully emotional day, I knew the best thing for me to do this afternoon would be to find my own rhythm of putting one foot in front of the other, relaxing my breath to fall in sync with my footsteps, and letting the awful self-doubt and anger in my head and my chest fizzle away.  Or at least just allow the endorphins kick in so that whatever was still left in my head wouldn't hurt so much. 

I was convinced yesterday morning, after talking with my beloved shrink, Maggie, that I really do know what is best for me and that I have the ability and knowledge to make the right decisions. It doesn't matter if someone else would have chosen a different way of approaching the same situation. I have to take on my own obstacles in my own way and I should feel confident that I'm coming out on top. 

But after several hours of dealing with paperwork, court house lines, and an emotional confrontation, I wasn't so confident in those decision-making abilities anymore. Everything hurt inside, my chest felt utterly constricted, and I needed to relieve some of the pressures of my world. 

So I jumped in the car and headed to the trail I ran on Monday. I had to run 6 miles, anyway, and now was as good a time as any. 

I was considering just running around the Dixon Reservoir again, but noticed a long flat-ish trail that sneaked out toward the north, on the other side of the road, so, taking a deep breath, I beeped my watch and started a slow jog. I actually almost gave up after three minutes because I didn't know how to feel energized enough for this run. But I just kept plodding along through a flat meadow. When the trail took a turn upward, I noticed that the trail is actually quite busy, and even better (at least in my brain), it took several switchbacks uphill toward Horsetooth Reservoir. Perfect - some uphill and then downhill - just like the race will be. The trail was pretty rocky, but a fun little obstacle course to take my mind off of the uphill battle I was slowly taking on.

Here is the trail I took -  I headed north and then snaked westward toward Horsetooth Reservoir. On the way back, I ran around Dixon Reservoir.

At an early fork of the path, I came upon two mountain bikers who were gauging the difficulty of the climb. They took off ahead of me, but a few switchbacks later, I caught up to the biker in back. Turns out, the biker in the back was a good friend of ours and we exchanged hellos as he motioned me through. I took off ahead of him, but suddenly I couldn't help but think that as a divorce separates most things, it tends to separate friends between spouses. With this thought clear in my mind, I sped up as I hopped over the hill of boulders in front of me, physically running away from his judgements if he only knew the reality of his friends' state of marriage. 

Finally, at the top of the hill, I was at Horsetooth Reservoir. I cross the street, took in the refreshing view, took an even more refreshing breath, and turned around to head back the way I came. To add a bit more time to the run, I ran a bit further up the hill after I had crossed back over the road. As the path narrowed, it became more overgrown and more littered with rocks and boulders. I noticed after a bit that I was barely running on path, but instead jumping around on rocks. All of a sudden, all those rocks were painted a fading shade of white. I had made it to the A (see picture)! I had figured this run would take a lot longer and was planning to attempt it later in my training. I continued to hop over rocks and head along the ridge line, until a sudden thought came to me: What if there are rattle snakes hanging out in these piles of rocks? It's getting close to dark and I'm not really on the "main" trail. Eek! So I turned around and flew back down the hill, now more energized on the descent. 

When I returned to the parking lot at 51 minutes, I still had at least 10 minutes to go, so I crossed the street and headed back toward the Foothills Trail around Dixon Reservoir and pushed through a few more ups and downs. Note to self: large swarms of bugs tend to congregate near water in late afternoon. I think I consumed more bugs than I blew away, but I was wearing a visor, so made my way around the reservoir with my head down so the bill of the visor could shield the swarms. 

68 minutes after I first took off, I walked briskly back to the car to cool down. My head was no clearer than it had been before my run, but at least the adventure had quieted the chaos on my head. 

I felt physically stronger after my run, but not mentally stronger. I tend to think of running as a panacea, but not this time. At least the ability to push myself through a tough course and exceed what I set out to accomplish aided in bolstering my self confidence, if only by a miniscule amount. 

On a positive note: Those extra minutes of running helped to make some room for an AMAZING celebration dinner for a friend's food critique blog: http://www.feastingfortcollins.com/

Let it go

I put my run off today. I didn't skip it all together, but, being the typical procrastinator, I saved it until tomorrow. This isn't the first time I've done this since I started marathon training less than three weeks ago. I was ok with the idea of taking one more day of rest before tackling 6 miles (this still isn't an easy distance for me), but as the day wore on, I started to get kind of annoyed with myself. I could have easily pushed through the lame excuses and forced time into my schedule to get it done. But I didn't. Why?

Why do I always consider myself the exception to the rule, which in this case is my training program?
Why do I always need to adopt an attitude of "Don't tell me what to do ... I know better than you do!"

When I start to take on these two ways of being, I tend to dismiss everyone else's input as BS, and I ultimately completely fail at the challenges I accept, however small or huge-mongous they may be.

So, as I let my brain battle over whether or not I failed at my marathon training today, I packed up the munchkins and shlepped everyone to yoga (well, the girls went to the gym daycare). Getting into my mindset of letting go of the day to prepare for the poses to follow suddenly resolved my brain's battle. Not because I wasn't listening to my own thoughts anymore, but because I realized I could do just that .. let it go!



I don't fail at marathon training, or at anything else I'm attempting to tackle, unless I don't get back up again. If I stick with my intention to lace up my shoes and push myself out the door at some point during my busy day of appointments and job searching tomorrow, I won't have failed. But if I don't let it go and allow myself to accept failure because I switched things up just once, I will have failed. It's ok to make things work for me ... that doesn't mean I'm being a naive know-it-all.

So my AHA moment for the day: Let go of what you've done and what you didn't do. Don't get attached to your successes or failures, but just focus on doing what you intended to do. And if you don't succeed, brush yourself off, pick yourself up, and try again ... in your own unique way.

At least the gym has a bathroom!

Tuesday, May 4th:

Running the Numbers ~ Training Stats:

Training days to go: 95

Longest run: 6 miles

Mileage this week: 9.75

Total training mileage: 49.25

Workout Stats:

Location: The gym: treadmill

Time of day: 4:30pm

Time Running: 44 minutes

Planned Distance: 4 miles with 5:00 TUT (total uphill time)

Actual Distance: 4.5 miles with 12 TUT

The Run:

Even though it was a gorgeous day outside today, I jumped on the treadmill to make sure I got in the allotted 5 minutes of uphill time suggested in my training program. The last time I ran 4 miles on the treadmill, I had to reach down to the bottom of my willpower to keep myself on that dumb machine for the full 4 miles. I wasn't really looking forward to a similar experience, but I wanted to get to yoga class after my run, so figured I would do a one-stop-shop. 

Turns out that, even on the sunniest of days, everyone and their mother wants to get on a treadmill ... weird. So I got stuck with the only treadmill left; the one that faces the window and looks out on the street. So now, not only was I going to try and drag out a full 4 miles while running in place, I got to look at everyone outside who was smart enough to soak up the afternoon sun. At least I wasn't facing the line of tv's that tend to play the history channel with "A Violent History of (fill in the blank)" or the food channel with "The Weirdest Food" programs (both of which are really hard for me to watch, but are even harder NOT to watch when they're right in front of me).

So, I begrudgingly started up the belt and jumped into my stiff start-up stride. At least when I'm on the treadmill, I can keep my beginning pace a bit slower to prevent burnout by the end of my run, something with which I tend to have serious trouble. 

I have rarely ever had issues with needing bathroom breaks during the middle of runs (aside from a vivid memory of desperately trying to find a Starbucks with available facilities while on a run in Puerto Rico), and didn't figure today would be an exception. But less than half way into my run, I couldn't hold out any longer. With as much grace as I could muster, I stopped the belt, prayed there would be a free machine when I got back, and stumbled toward the restrooms. I always feel drunk when I get off a treadmill - I'm sure I try to overcompensate for that funny feeling of floating forward when you're not really moving. 

Luckily, my machine was still free when I came back out, and it was easier for me to mentally get back into my rhythm. I only had 2.25 miles to go, but told myself I had 2.5. That way, if I was totally ready to quit by 2.2, I would REALLY only have just a few seconds left, as opposed to an entire extra lap around a track's length. Oh, the mind games we play with ourselves.

In the end, I actually ran 4.5 miles, instead of the originally allotted 4, and pushed the total uphill time from 5 minutes to 16 minutes. I also tried to wake up a few different groups of muscle fibers by pushing the elevation for as long as I could stand at a set pace, and then decreasing the elevation, but pushing the pace to the end of the run. 

So all my grumbling about using the treadmill just to get to yoga seemed silly in retrospect - I got to push myself longer and harder than I would have on the road. I was, however, the only one in yoga who was slipping all over my mat from lack of time to cool down and de-sweat before the class. D'oh! 

Still working on getting out the door ...

Running the Numbers ~ Training Stats:
Training days to go: 96
Longest run: 6 miles
Mileage this week: 5.25
Total training mileage: 44.75

Workout Stats:
Location: The Foothills Trail, at Pineridge Natural Area along the Dixon Reservoir.
Time of day: 10:15am
Time Running: 54 minutes
Total Time: 67 minutes
Planned Distance: Rest (but I skipped my 7 mile long run yesterday, so 7)
Actual Distance: 5.25

The Workout:
I skipped my Sunday long run yesterday due to the fact that I didn't want to run 7 miles while pushing a stroller, nor did I really feel like pounding on roads or paved trails for over an hour. I also added to my list of reasons not to run the fact that an ominous blackish grey cloud was sweeping across town. I did not want to get 3 miles out and get trapped in a downpour, only to have to race back with two crying babies. Yuck. So I saved it for today.

But again today, I barely got myself out the door. More excuses! I don't fall asleep easily, and with my new alarm clock model (the Kenna 2.0), I rarely get to sleep in. So, with 10 hours of sleep over the past two nights, and a lurking fluey feeling, I figured I would just let my body rest. Of course my brain was battling over that idea and after a small burst of energy mid-morning, I pushed myself out the door.

I drove a couple miles west of my apartment, to one of the trailheads to the Foothills trail that goes around the Dixon Reservoir. I needed some new scenery and some dirt under my feet rather than sidewalk or road. I told myself I would got at least 45 minutes and then judge from there. I always think I go out at a good pace, but I still always go out too fast.

I started to get tired around 25 minutes, but figured I'd pretend I was at mile 20 of the marathon, exhausted and struggling, but still needing to push forward. Another 15 minutes later, I was starting to feel dizzy and gagging when I loogied. So after 41 minutes, I walked 5 minutes, ran 5 minutes, until I got back to the car.

I didn't finish the entire seven miles, but at least I got out the door and logged in five.

Haulin' Aspen Marathon ... Here I come!

Wait, before I explain why I'm running a marathon, let me point out that I'm not crazy. (This whole shpeal will eventually connect to my reason for running, I promise)

I've recently learned the definition of personal boundaries - what they are, how to set them, and how to respect the boundaries of others. I'm still learning, and timidly practicing, how to set my own boundaries, but as I become more skilled in telling others what works for me and what doesn't, I've realized that the one person I can't rely on to respect those limits and personal needs is myself. Recently I've been trying to play with the aspects of integrity, doing what I say I'll do, and setting goals with an intent on achieving them. For some reason, I've always considered myself off the hook in terms of my own demands. Who would hold me accountable? Me? So? Would I really punish myself for not following through with something? Not really - the only person who knows about not following through is me. 

But the thing is, I do punish myself. I never used to get the whole "shoulder angel" thing. Who actually hears debates around their ears about the "right" thing to do versus the "wrong" thing to do? Well, *poof* mine suddenly appeared out of nowhere and have been screaming at each other loud and clear for the last several months! Maybe those shoulder angels don't pop up until your mid-twenties, or maybe I'm just a late bloomer, but unfortunately, at this point, the bad angel usually wins. She's actually pretty bitchy! If she were a person other than myself, I wouldn't even be her friend! And rather than just try and win debates with my "good" angel, she has a constant stream of really mean things to say. You know when your parents tell you that you can do anything you set your mind to? Well, this shoulder angel would make you think the exact opposite. If I believed her, I might feel pretty shitty about myself. 

Oh wait, I usually do believe her. She's been ragging on my "good" angel for so long, that my poor little good angel hardly has a voice left. I can barely hear her. So I figured it was time to even the scales a bit. 

Some food for thought: I've noticed that my own personal strength does not come from finishing something first, or finishing something feeling invigorated, or even finishing it exactly the way I had wanted to. Especially in the last few months, my personal strength that carries me through comes from experiencing, and then pushing through, the pain that comes with hitting the wall in a challenging situation. This wall may be mental, or actually physical, but the only way to conquer that wall is to accept the fact that it will hurt to push through it, or climb over it, and then charge forward. 

So, to feel grounded in this crazy world, and to start building up my "good" shoulder angel who will hopefully whisper lovely sweet nothings in my ear, I had to set a goal, build a program around that goal, and stick to it. What better way to do that than pick a marathon! My thinking was that if I could push myself out the door, run the set number of miles despite the bantering of the bitchy angel to quit or slow down, I could build my own confidence in being able to ignore that pestering voice in every other aspect of my life. 

It tends to feel better, and is often more tempting, to take the easier path. I'm actually a person who has a hard time choosing the challenge that will bring me greater reward. I don't have a high pain threshold. But, we all know that it'll leave us lacking in the end. It's always easier now to skip a run, but imagine getting to the day of the marathon without having put in a single training day. Woops! That would be an excruciating wake up call to all the decisions we'd put in before that moment! 

And that's how I'm hoping to use this training - how will pushing through today's run make me more able to tackle a job interview, or to stick to my budget, or to confront an overbearing relative. 

I signed up for the Haulin' Aspen Trail Marathon in Bend, Oregon, set for August 8th. It will be my second marathon and will also by my second time tackling this particular course. The course is actually atrocious - 2500 meters of climb in the first 14 miles and then a slightly steeper 2500 of drop in the last 12 miles. (When I'm setting out to prove something to myself, I seem to find the hardest example to use in order to prove it - maybe I should remember that next time).

Two years ago, my finishing time for this course was 4:51, which was, for me, an extreme disappointment. I had been shooting for under 4 hours. This year, I don't necessarily have a goal in mind. A PR would be nice, but I just want to run it without feeling shooting firey pain with each step after 16 miles. My body tends to fall apart with endurance training, so I'm attempting to slow that process by throwing in regular massages, yoga 2 to 3 times per week, sufficient strength training, and following, and possibly exceeding, the mileage set out by Runners World's Beginners Marathon Training Program. 

And do I think someone will actually read this ranting and raving and running mumbo jumbo?
Not necessarily - I just like to feel some sort of connection. It's always nice to share the details and accomplishments of a run, even if only to a deaf audience.

Wish me luck!